• Because you love to golf, eat, and drink; but not necessarily in that order.

• You golf for the heck of it... for the sheer enjoyment of getting out in the open air with the guys and throwing back a 12-pack or two before noon.

• Even though your score is not as low as you'd like it to be, you enjoy trying to whack that little dimpled monster as far as you can, just so you can bore the crap out of your friends at the bar with one of your "I really nailed that one one, man..." stories.

• You don't get your nuts in a bunch about the "finer" points of golf ettiquette, all the while getting cheesed off at some group ahead of you for not raking the sand your ball is lying in.

• You bitch and moan about the noise when some Alice on the adjacent hole lets out a little whoop as she just pitches one in for a double-bogie, but you chunk yours out of the rough and they can hear the obsenities back in the clubhouse.

• The starter is never going to catch you sneaking your own booze on the course, because you are better at that then you are at sneaking porn into the bathroom.

• You spend more time looking for your lucky ball in the woods than you do practicing your putting, convincing yourself that it didn't go in that far, and that you can't afford an extra stroke, even though you'll be scratching the insect bites with both hands.

• Then again, you don't bother shaving before coming to the course, knowing you'll do plenty of that on your scorecard.

• You'd sooner kill any man that would say half of the things to your sister, what you would say to the cart girl in the short time it takes to buy a round of overpriced drinks on the 7th hole.

• You agree that about 20 ounces of red meat, a scotch on the rocks, and a good cigar is the perfect ending to a long day of hacking away 36 holes on the links.

Hey! It takes a lot of balls to golf the way that we do!

It's not the weight, it's the attitude!

Most times, though, it's the weight, too.